If Only This Was Reality

Worst -yet best- week of my life.

This has been the most uppy-downy week of my life so far. The guy I’ve loved for years got a girlfriend, and ive been forced to play the best friend again. So I’ve been wrecked and a mess because of that. My very best friend went through MAJOR family shit, and I’ve been with her 100% because of that. Also, another of my best friends had a terrible scare the other night, and I was SO worried about her for that. Thankfully it was just a scare and everything’s alright now! The highlight of my week is that I’ve started to recover my relationship with my best friend after months of a rocky friendship. I’ve carried the weight of the world on my shoulders this week, with my own problems, and all my friends problems. I’ve hardly slept.
There’s two things ive realized this week:
A) I am surrounded by the strongest, sweetest, most beautiful girls out there. I would be nothing without them and I’m SO BLESSED to have them; and
B) I am truly one of those people that when they say they care about you, I really, fully care about you and I always will. And when I say I’m there for you, I am always going to be 100% there for you, no matter where or when or why.
I feel like this post makes no sense, but I really just had to get it out there. This is what my minds been like all week: a jumbled crazy mess. I hope it all gets sorted out soon.

Giving my best friend working relationship advice based on my own limited experiences instead of what I think she should do is one of the most gratifying feelings ever. I always knew my trainwreck relationships would help someday.

Girls in my school with green/blue/purple/etc. hair:

You look stupid in my opinion. Hair is not meant to be that colour.

Falling without getting caught.

I’ve known him literally since we were 5, and he’s been my best friend for years. I’ve always sort of liked him, but lately I’ve liked him more and more, then I spent all last night and all today with him and I’ve totally fallen for him 100%. Unfortunately, it’s like he doesn’t know I exist… But he’s honestly perfect, he’s caring and good with kids and athletic and incredibly good looking and funny and sweet and asdfghjkl and my WHOLE family LOVES him, gahh. Too bad I can’t ever picture him being with me.

Faking my happiness.

I remember when we’d talk every day for hours. You were my best friend. And lately, you’ve treated me like dirt. I wish I could just tell you how I feel, but then shit would get awkward, and you’d never talk to me again. So for now, I guess I’m good with wishing we talked, and pretending to be happy when we talk for 2 minutes about insignificant things, when in reality, I’m dying inside, because I thought that our friendship would actually last.

I hate reblogging things from you. Because I know you in real life, and you never reblog me, so I’m afraid you’ll think I’m stalking your blog.

Best Friends No More?

I have one question for you - did I mean nothing to you or…? I was there with you EVERY SINGLE DAY when you were upset, when you were depressed, when nothing was going right for you, all because of him. And then one day, everything went right, and I was so happy for you. It was about time something happened that made you smile, you’ve been through so much. For the past year, we’ve been through everything together, I trusted you more than anyone. I thought we were close, that what we had shared made us closer than anyone thought. I should’ve realized it was too good to be true, that I was replaceable. I was there for you every time you needed me, but you’ve been here for me WHEN in the last month when I’ve been put through hell and back? With him. I would text you, who knows when I would get a response? After a week, maybe, if I was lucky. And when we DID talk, it would be for 5 minutes and would be about nothing but pointless stuff. I don’t understand why you completely ditched the one person who actually, genuinely cared for you when you needed it. I thought that maybe I would get the same treatment, but not really. Not at all. Especially since I can guarantee that when things end badly this time (and I hope they don’t cause I love seeing you happy like this…) you’ll come running back to me, looking for help again. But I don’t know what I’ll do, especially since you weren’t there for me… I actually hope you read this and realize it’s you, even though half my tweets are about you and you’re still oblivious. If what we had wasn’t real, I don’t know what true friendship is anymore.

Happiness.

Ive decided that from today on, I’m making more of an effort to be happy with my life and who I am and what’s happened to me. I have to just accept it, it’s a part of who I am and there’s no escaping it. There’s no point in moping around and being depressed about the things in the past, because they’re in the past and I can’t change that, no matter what I try and do. So I just have to suck it up and accept me for me, faults and mistakes and all. Sure, there will be sad days and depressed days, but I need to remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and I have to be happy to get there.

Family.

The one thing I’m going to miss the most when I move out of my house is dinner. Not just because I’ll miss the food, but I’ll miss actual dinner time. Every night of my whole life, my family has always had a sit down dinner together. Every. Single. Night. Some people don’t believe it, but we do. And it’s one of the highlights of my day. Even if we’re all busy, we set aside 1 half hour where we can sit down and eat together. My family is really close, and we all work to keep us so close-knit. So when I’m ripped away from them, I’m pretty sure that’s the one thing I’m gonna miss most.

You.

I told you I liked you and you shut me down. You still wanted to be friends, I agreed only because I like you too much to loose you. So why do you still play with my heart? We sit with you and your friends at lunch and you purposely move to sit beside me. You play footsie and press your leg up to mine the whole time. I hardly ever talk because I don’t trust myself when I’m with you, because I know I’ll say something stupid that you don’t wanna hear. So you text me multiple times, telling me it’s no fun when I don’t talk and that you love it when I talk to you. So I talk, just for you and only you. So how come the minute I text you out of school you shut me down? You’re so bipolar with your feelings, you lead me on so badly it hurts. And I wish I could tell you to stop, but I don’t trust myself to not come running back to you. I still like you, so much. So why are you such an asshole to me?